Getting cozy

 First things first, my blogging is by no means structured my thoughts are always all over the place and punctuation is not my strong suit. :) EnJoY..

There has been quite the competition for bloggers lately in the Jackson clan, and since I am a new member I must admit there is some inner pressure to join. I mean I can't be left behind here, plus we just moved to Espana and it would not be nice to with hold all the adventures and lessons I am learning over here.

So here it goes..we got here almost 2 months ago and Joey and I just had our 2 month anniversary yesterday. Yes yes I know, you must be thinking that we are insane, and well the answer to that is..we indeed are out of our mind. In any case if you don't know me well, I have always liked to think of myself as a "fly by the seat of my pants kind of girl." Always ready for an adventure, whether it be meeting new people, getting a new job, basically doing whatever whenever. Here is the kicker I was rudely awakened when we got married and 2 weeks later picked up our ENTIRE lives and moved to Spain. Leaving behind everyone we love and all the comfortable surrounding we grew up with..oh not to mention our language. I not only broke down the first day, but continued to break down, I don't know maybe 2-3 times a week. I felt like I was falling deeper and deeper into this hole in my mind and nothing was helping! HA I hope all of you are thinking "poor Joey," because that man put up with a lot!!

My oh so loving husband thinks he is taking an adventurous, excited, scared of nothing wife to a place that I had seemingly been thrilled to go to. Turns out there was only a scared anxious wife to be found. Unaware of how out of my element I would be I had so many fears, ranging from, was this the right choice for us to you would be so much happier with someone else. Yes folks in my derranged mind I thought that MY HUSBAND would be better off in Spain with another woman!!! I can't even explain to you the looks of despair and "really?" i got from him on that one. It is truly amazing how anxiety can manifest itself in ways that you would never imagine. Here we are in a a beautiful, authentic, romantic place and I can't help myself from destroying it. And not only for me but when you get married you become one in everything so my toxic distress was inevitably pouring over and breaking his heart little by little. Even though he would never tell me that, he is always so so strong never once being less then the perfect shoulder to lean on.

OK BREATHE..there is good in this, even though it has taken me longer than I ever would have thought to get comfortable I am falling into my own skin here. I have found out more about myself in the last 2 months then I ever have in my life. This challenge is one of those that is worth it for the rest of your life. And the funny thing is that I the main problem I was having that was causing all the crazy was that I had so much free time. If you were around me a lot especially in the last year or so of my life, I was always busy with something, coffee or dinner dates working going to some function. Constantly distracting myself from me. I think that a lot of people do this and when you find time for yourself you don't know what the crap to do, it gets boring or absolutely frustrating. Finding what God put in you is so key in life, they are things that can never be taken from you. So many times back home I would catch myself loving something because one of my favorite people loved that thing it could be food or a movie whatever it was it wasn't always something that I really loved for me. But here in this place I am finding myself completely. I have a teaching job with 6 year olds that I love, I have the time to do pilates and cycling almost everyday of the week, I watch shows, I can go to daytime bible studies and sit out on my balcony for hours just listening to music and writing. This place is where I am supposed to be right now and I am so beyond blessed to have and incredible man in my life to share it with. I can't wait to tell you all more about getting used to this place it really is interesting when you barely know what people are talking about ever:)

Love you all and I hope you found this honest and hopeful.

Never lose who you were created to be.